Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Today was my due date

Five months have gone by since we lost our sweet baby, Ryser. I think about him every day..usually a few times a day.  I replay the day I delivered him and got to hold his tiny 18 week old body in my arms for that short while.  I open his memory box every time I go into the attic and look at the picture of his little hands.  I think of a baby belly that would be so round and full right now or of holding a fresh-smelling baby boy with round cheeks like his big brother.

My due date was today.  We would've already finished his nursery - the sun room we decided to convert.  New windows and everything.  I would've been settling in to my new role as a stay at home mom to two boys under two. We would have all of Cantley's newborn clothes washed and ready for the new addition.

But we were thrown a curve ball.  We thought this unexpected, no IVF pregnancy was our curve ball.  But it wasn't.  It was just the beginning of an end.  A precious little end.

Our hearts still hurt from the loss.  My mind still wonders "what if".  Giving away the extra crib and storing my maternity clothes at my sisters didn't make me feel better like I thought it would.  

Life is hard.  It has really, really sad and heart-wrenching moments.  There is so much loss and hurt. Sometimes I think we forget that we live in a broken world and because of that we all get broken hearts in one way or another many times over.  We all have to start over or reroute when things don't go according to plan, even when we think we were following God's plan.

But life also gives us many, many reasons to laugh, and to love and to celebrate. We celebrated Cantley's 1st birthday, my new job, and the birth of a new nephew.  We laughed at each other, with friends, and at family dinners.  And we were loved well.  Through meals, through sweet tokens with Ryser's name on them, through hugs, and through understanding.  We are so thankful that people loved us through our heartbreak.

I've been dreading this day since it happened, but I believe God has put many new beginnings in our life right now to help us make it through and to give us much to look forward to.  

And of course we have chubby-cheek cherub, Cantley. Our first miracle baby, who makes us laugh, gives the best squishy hugs, and reminds us that God has blessed us immensely.

Thank you to the people who made me feel like our loss was signifcant.  Thank you to my family who speak Ryser's name.  Thank you to the friends who knew this day was coming up and told me "we haven't forgotten".  Thank you to the mamas that reached out and told me I wasn't alone.   And thank you Lord for letting me be Ryser's mama, even though our time together here on earth was short.  See you in heaven one day little one. 

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