Today was my due date

Five months have gone by since we lost our sweet baby, Ryser. I think about him every day..usually a few times a day.  I replay the day I delivered him and got to hold his tiny 18 week old body in my arms for that short while.  I open his memory box every time I go into the attic and look at the picture of his little hands.  I think of a baby belly that would be so round and full right now or of holding a fresh-smelling baby boy with round cheeks like his big brother.

My due date was today.  We would've already finished his nursery - the sun room we decided to convert.  New windows and everything.  I would've been settling in to my new role as a stay at home mom to two boys under two. We would have all of Cantley's newborn clothes washed and ready for the new addition.

But we were thrown a curve ball.  We thought this unexpected, no IVF pregnancy was our curve ball.  But it wasn't.  It was just the beginning of an end.  A precious little end.



Our hearts still hurt from the loss.  My mind still wonders "what if".  Giving away the extra crib and storing my maternity clothes at my sisters didn't make me feel better like I thought it would.  

Life is hard.  It has really, really sad and heart-wrenching moments.  There is so much loss and hurt. Sometimes I think we forget that we live in a broken world and because of that we all get broken hearts in one way or another many times over.  We all have to start over or reroute when things don't go according to plan, even when we think we were following God's plan.


But life also gives us many, many reasons to laugh, and to love and to celebrate. We celebrated Cantley's 1st birthday, my new job, and the birth of a new nephew.  We laughed at each other, with friends, and at family dinners.  And we were loved well.  Through meals, through sweet tokens with Ryser's name on them, through hugs, and through understanding.  We are so thankful that people loved us through our heartbreak.

I've been dreading this day since it happened, but I believe God has put many new beginnings in our life right now to help us make it through and to give us much to look forward to.  

And of course we have chubby-cheek cherub, Cantley. Our first miracle baby, who makes us laugh, gives the best squishy hugs, and reminds us that God has blessed us immensely.

Thank you to the people who made me feel like our loss was signifcant.  Thank you to my family who speak Ryser's name.  Thank you to the friends who knew this day was coming up and told me "we haven't forgotten".  Thank you to the mamas that reached out and told me I wasn't alone.   And thank you Lord for letting me be Ryser's mama, even though our time together here on earth was short.  See you in heaven one day little one. 

Cantley's 8th month & 1st Christmas

Cantley was so much fun to have around for all the holiday festivities.  He loved the Christmas music, the wrapping paper, and the lights.  He turned 8 months old on Christmas Eve.  How have we had this precious boy for that long?  But I can't imagine life without him either.

Marley & Cantley = BFF

Cantley loves his Aunt Sissy

Look at them reindeer shoes!

Silly KK made us use props for the photo shoot.

Nobody better mess with my puffs!

Cantley Cane,
   You bring us so much joy.  Christmas was a lot sweeter with you around. :)

Baby Ryser's Birth Story

How do I start a post about my baby dying?  I guess like that.

We were so so excited to find out I was pregnant with our 2nd child.  We were told it was almost impossible from our fertility doctor.  So when we conceived naturally we were shocked and humbled and ecstatic.  We waited the traditional 12 weeks to announce and were glad we could be a symbol of hope for other couples going through the painful experience of infertility.  I started showing earlier than with Cantley, our first born, and I was loving seeing my little baby bump grow.  We went to every scheduled appointment, heard the heart beat, and saw our little miracle on 2 ultrasounds.  We planned a gender reveal get together to announce what our Baby BooHeini #2 was going to  be for the night after my 18 week appointment.  The appointment where they count fingers and toes and tell you whether you need to buy pink or blue.

I woke up at 4:00 the morning of the appointment cramping and spotting.  I called the on call nurse and she told me to come in 1st thing at 8:00 for an ultrasound.  I begged God not to let anything be wrong.  I prayed please don't let anything happen to this baby over and over.  Brett and I were scared, but hopeful.  We didn't want to think the worst.  Deep down I knew something was wrong.  I kept thinking "God wouldn't do that.  He just wouldn't do that." After we got back to ultrasound, the nurse quickly pulled the machine away.  We only saw the baby for a second.  Then she said she needed to get the doctor because I had a very short cervix.  We waited for 15 minutes. It felt like an hour.  Brett and I waited.  He rubbed my back reassuringly, but I think we both knew.  The doctor came in and looked at the screen.  After only a few seconds she said "I have some really tough news.  You're baby doesn't have a heartbeat and you're 4 cm dilated and starting labor."  I literally felt like someone took the breath out of my body.  It sounded like someone had punched Brett in the stomach.  The ultrasound nurse hugged me and we sobbed together.  I grabbed Brett's arm and looked at him and said "This is going to be the worst day of our lives."  And it was.

My water broke about 20 minutes later when we were waiting to talk to my doctor in an exam room and I started to feel the pressure of labor happening quickly.  We were at Baptist, where my doctor's office is, and had to get to Methodist, where our insurance covers hospital stays.  I could tell I was about to have this sweet baby and was in pain at this point.  I prayed and prayed that I didn't deliver the baby in the car. We ran into the hospital where they had a room waiting on us.  Four nurses began tending to me quickly and not 5 minutes after I got onto the bed, I delivered our sweet baby boy.  I can't explain the pain I heard in Brett's sobs.  I can't explain the hurt I felt when they handed me our tiny child wrapped in a baby blanket and said "It's a little boy."  My heart hurt so deep down in my chest. 

We were left alone with him for about an hour.  Brett and I both held him and cried over him and talked about how perfect he was.  We looked at his little hands and feet.  We decided to name him Ryser.  A name we discussed naming him if we found out he was a boy.  It's from a Dierks Bentley song about being strong and getting through what life hands you.  A "riser" is someone who is a light in this dark world.  A perfect name for our precious little boy who was a light in our life for the short 18 weeks we had him.  His middle name is Street, a family name and my mom's maiden name.

It was hard to hand him back to the nurse.  We knew it was the last time we'd see our second born little boy.  Cantley's little brother.  We knew when the nurse left with him, that all our hopes and dreams of who this little boy was going to be were leaving with them.  The place we had made in our lives for him and the plans we had - gone.   Then we had to decide about where he was going to go, which funeral home to use, things you never want to have to decide about your child.  Everything about that day was just unreal.  I told my mom and sister, as they sat on either side of the hospital bed, that it was a nightmare.  A real, living nightmare. 

I was angry.  Angry God had even let me get pregnant so easily this time in the 1st place.  Angry that he had let it get this far.  Angry that our baby just passed away and that I had to deliver him and hold him and then leave the hospital without him.  It was an anger I had never experienced before.  It was an anger that sprang from a deep deep pain.  Fortunately the anger began to fade quickly, but the hurt was still there.  Our hearts were literally broken.

The nurses were able to take a few pictures of Ryser's little hands and gave us a box with a blue baby blanket and hat to take with us.  The hospital staff was so kind, gentle and respectful.  I couldn't have asked for better care.  We stayed the night and it was eerily similar to after I gave birth to Cantley.  Same nurse checks, same medications, somewhat same recovery, just no baby.  The next morning it was hard seeing new dad's walking in with their new carriers and their baby's "going home" outfit as I was being wheeled out holding a box of pictures instead of my baby.

The only thing that could and did get us through it was a precious family and friends.  They always show up.  No matter what.  We also had each other.  We knew we did not have to grieve alone.  We were both feeling the pain of losing that sweet baby and we could lean on each other.   And we had Cantley.  I honestly don't know what I would do without him.  He has gotten me out of bed in the morning & kept us smiling through our tears.  He has given us lots of extra squishy snuggles, like he knew we needed them.  I am so, so grateful for that.

Most of all we have our faith.  We don't understand why this happened or what plan this is for us.  We don't know why God chose to make Ryser's life so short.  All we know is that we pray for a peace and comfort that can only come from the Lord and have hope that we will see our son again one day in heaven. 

We picked out a tiny blue urn for Ryser and will get to pick him up later this week.  We didn't go into the funeral home thinking this is the decision we were going to make, but when we saw that little, Memphis-blue heart, we knew that was what we wanted.  We will never forget the pain we felt the day we lost him, but we will be sure to find little ways to remember him and one day tell Cantley about his little brother, Ryser Street Heinrich.

"Riser"  Dierks Bentley

Lay your pretty head down on my shoulder
You don't have to worry anymore
This old world is cold and getting colder
And I know how to lock and bolt the door

I'm strong enough to hold you through the winter
Mean enough to stare your demons down
The hard times put the shine into the diamond
I won't let that keep us in the ground

I'm a riser
I'm a get up off the ground, don't run and hider
Pushing comes a-shovin'
Hey I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I'm a lighter
A get out aliver, out of the fire
Survivor

If you we ain't got no money I can make it
I ain't afraid of working to the bone
When I don't know what I'm do and I can fake it
I'll pray till Jesus rolls away the stone

And I'm a riser
I'm a get up off the ground, don't run and hider
Pushin' comes a-shovin'
Hey I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I'm a lighter
A get out aliver, of the fire, survivor

I'm a trier
I'm a get down low so I can lift you higher
An army couldn't keep down my desire
Yeah

I'm a riser
I'm a get up off the ground, don't run and hider
Hey pushin' comes to shovin'
Baby I'm a fighter
When darkness comes to town, I'm a lighter
A get out aliver, of the fire, survivor

I'm a riser
I'm a riser
I'm a riser

Baby BooHeini #2: I can't believe I just typed that

I used to be annoyed with people like me.  People who "accidentally" got pregnant.  People who it happened for so seamlessly.  I would be happy for them, of course, but in the back of my mind I'd be thinking "wow, I wish I could get knocked up for free."

And now I am one of those people.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  We are pregnant with Baby BooHeini #2!!  Naturally.  The free way.  Unexpectedly.  Shocked.  Ecstatic. Disbelieving.  Thankful. We've gone through all realms of emotions.

We did IVF 17 months ago because we were told it was our only option to have children.  Our doctor wouldn't even let us try IUI (a less invasive and less expensive procedure) because we were "not good candidates".  Our chances were slim enough that our only chance of success was IVF.   So we did the meds, the shots, the procedures and our miracle baby, Cantley, finally arrived April of 2015.  He has been absolutely a joy and blessing in our lives.  We look at each other and think "is he real"??  He was definitely prayed for- on our knees at home, with our families huddled in a circle at church,  with friends who saw how desperately we wanted to be parents, strangers who happened upon our story- we had an abundance of prayer warriors on our side.  I think those prayers were so abundant in fact that they kind of spilled over onto this 2nd little miracle baby.  God was up there laughing thinking "Oooook..you want babies.  I'll give you babies."

We found out right after Cantley turned 7 months old.  I was feeling sick and was having major pregnancy brain (i.e.  locking my keys in my car TWICE, losing my Costco card INSIDE the store).  I took a test and it was negative.  Ok, that's happened so many times.  Not a big deal.  We were just wishful thinking that we could get pregnant on our own without even trying.  But wouldn't it be cool?  So we waited another week & the signs were all still there so I took another test and it immediately turned positive.  I could not believe my eyes.  How...who..wait what?!  I just put my head in my hands and did a weird/creepy laugh-cry-sob thing.  Then I walked out to a waiting Brett & Cantley and said "uhh it's positive".  Brett said "That's not funny, Megan.  Don't joke about that."  Then he looked at the test and jumped up and paced around the den for a good 5 minutes.  Then we both hugged and squished little squishy face Cantley and cried and laughed and celebrated with our little family of three, soon to be four.

What does this say? I don't know why this is here, so I'm just going to peel it off like so... :)

Once the shock and disbelief wore off a little bit, feelings of guilt started to creep in.  What about all those other couples who are still waiting on their miracle baby?   How were they going to feel when I announced we were pregnant naturally with our 2nd baby when so many are still waiting on their 1st?  What about the people who were going to think we should've just skipped the IVF and waited for it to happen on it's own?  A lot of these thoughts have been running through my mind over the last few weeks until I finally decided, you know what, no.  People who know our story know that at the time we did IVF, it was our only hope of having a baby.  They know we were told that there was an almost 0% chance of us conceiving naturally.  But the science of it all usually dis includes and does not attest for God's plan.  He knew our story and was waiting for it to unfold in His timing.  Even if that timing is spacing the babies 15 months apart.  :)   Hey, we'll take it.

We know that this may never happen again like this, and that's okay.  We still have 2 frozen embryos waiting to be used in a few years in the future, and they may not be transferred successfully, and that's okay.  We are just going to put our faith and trust in the Lord and know He is in control, and we don't have to be.  We are so so thankful, humbled, and excited about this baby and although having 2 kids is not something we planned for right now, we are very happy that we know Cantley will get to have a sibling.  Please pray for this sweet miracle baby as he or she continues to develop and grow.  And you know I have to give a shout out to my mamas reading this and thinking "why not me"?  Exactly.  Why not you?  Miracles happen every day.  Don't give up.  Keep trying.  God's got it.


 “Everything is possible for one who believes.”  -Mark 9:23